Chapter 14

Twenty-five years ago there were no explanations for the sightings of of unidentified flying objects. There were plenty of theories and a handful of circumstancial evidence, but the quality of this data was no match for the digital revolution taking place today. Now, almost any hand held device was capable of recording an event and the number of events seemed to sky-rocket as they could be recorded, uploaded and shared within minutes of their occurrence.

Monkey-Bob Joe had a fancy cell phone that could take pictures and movies. It also had a speakerphone so he could yell for help if his arms should be vaporized by some hostile alien. He wasn't exactly sure if this particular scenario would actually benefit him in any way, so he took it upon himself to have alien space drills in the park after sunset.

Monkey-Bob Joe would go to the park after sunset because it was usually empty for a few hours before the amateur sports leagues began using it for sporting competitions. He would run full speed into the soccer net so that he would fall and become momentarily tangled. This would simulate the instantaneous vaporization of his arms. Of course, prior to net impact, Monkey-Bob would throw open his cell phone so that it was less than a meter from his impending entanglement. He would then yell at the top of his lungs the command to place a call and the name he wished to call.

“Call Toaster!” yelled Monkey-Bob Joe.

When Toaster received calls after 7pm from Monkey, he usually knew that it was a drill.

“Monkey, you there?” asked Toaster.

“They got my arms! My location is Paradise Park! Send help immediately!” yelled Monkey-Bob Joe.

“Ok, dude, calm down...is this a drill?” asked Toaster.

“Yes.” admitted Monkey “I was just checking, and you know, one of these days you're gonna have to actually come out here so we can do the rest of the drill Toaster.”

“Ok Monkey Man, how about next Tuesday?”

“Great Thanks Toast. Check ya later!” and that concluded the drill.

Monkey-Bob Joe also had a certain reputation for smoking too much pot and doing a little too much meth. He claimed that he needed to be awake and alert for the invasion. But his drug abuse was causing him to hallucinate more frequently and he started recording events that he thought were UFO sightings, but most of the time they were regular everyday things that only looked alien to his damaged and demented brain. Flashing construction lights, highway traffic viewed from the middle of the highway, which almost got him killed, and strip mall advertisements all fed his growing dementia.

Monkey-Bob Joe had a vehicle at one point in his drug addicted life, but it was thankfully towed away after he nearly took out several cars one unfortunate day on a busy highway as he drove up the wrong side of the highway. He claimed that he was following a government planned escape route during another alien invasion drill. What actually happened was extremely bizarre even for Monkey's fucked up life. Monkey-Bob Joe was quietly watching television when the emergency broadcast signal caught his attention. The 30 seconds of tone were ignored by most people, but Monkey heard explicit instructions directly from the federal government. It went something like this:

“This is a government sanctioned space alien invasion drill. Get in your vehicle. Drive toward the nearest highway. Evade alien attackers by entering the highway following the 'Wrong Way' signs. Ignore oncoming traffic as it is computer simulated holography so you can practice under stressful conditions. The drill will end when you arrive at the Kentucky Fried Chicken on Main Street.”

Monkey-Bob Joe could hardly believe what he was hearing. An actual government sanctioned drill and it was going to take him to a restaurant whose food he was actually craving.

Fortunately, Monkey only got about 5 meters past the first 'Wrong Way' sign before he was stopped by a line of cars slamming on their brakes as they decellerated from about 85 km/hr to 0.

Monkey could not explain why the government directed holograms were as solid as concrete or why the virtual beings inside the holographic cars were threatening to beat the shit out of him. Thankfully, the highway patrol arrived and quickly hauled Monkey-Bob Joe to jail.