Chapter 2

Phosphorus is described as an element that is essential to healthy cells in all living organisms, yet under certain circumstances, it can be instable, volatile and deadly. It cannot be found by itself in nature, yet its presence is unmistakable in the building blocks of the construction of living cells and in the make-up of rock and other minerals found on Earth.

Experiments with Phosphorus date back to the late 17^th century where certain enterprising individuals discovered a method for producing Phosphorus so that it could be experimented with. The most unique of these methods involved the collection of large quantities of human urine which was allowed to sit in the basement for several weeks until the putrid smell of rotting flesh could be detected on the upper floors of the residence. This bucket of slime was then taken to the next level of processing where it would be slowly heated until the urine could be distilled and the white waxy residue left from distillation could be safely collected. This white waxy residue was what is now known as White Phosphorus.

Toaster rubbed his eyes after reading the informational brochures that Dr. Talcuin had given him in preparation for his work with the Remote Phosphorus Detection program. Toaster was also given a few websites to follow up with so that he could get a better sense of how important Phosphorus was and why detecting it was of special interest to law enforcement agencies.

One rather interesting website described the actual process involved in creating methamphetamines. Of the several methods, the one that generated the highest yield involved the use of Red Phosphorus which was a derivative of White Phosphorus. Unfortunately for the neighbors, any individual without the correct knowledge of the handling of Red Phosphorus could easily blow themselves up and take out a few other homes in the process.

Toaster knew of only one guy who ever tried to make meth. His name was Steve Choon, or Choony as he was called by his friends. Choony knew all kinds of shit. He was in the Army where they taught the fucker how to make bombs out of regular household supplies. They also taught him how to discipline his innate ability to take things apart and put them back together in such a way that the thing always had some new added feature. Usually these features were intended to either facilitate the self-destruction of said thing or behave in a way that the authorities found criminally dangerous. One fine example of Choony's work was the animated entertainment band at the Chuck-E-Cheese. Choony had a job there where he made sure the “band” kept playing normally throughout their busy schedule of birthday parties and soccer team celebrations. Any malfunction could permanently scar some kid mentally or worse, physically if anything was out of whack. Singing off key, arms flailing in a threatening manner, electrical problems and other mishaps were all left to Choony to fix.

On a particular weekend during the busy summer months, a group of kids at a birthday party ordered way too much pizza, which would have been ok except for the fact that the idiot who ordered way too much pizza also ordered shit on the pizza that kids don't like to eat such as mushrooms and olives. After satisfying themselves on the regular cheese pizzas, and after playing through most of their tokens, the only thing left to do was use the mushrooms and olives as ammo at the other patrons of the restaurant and the animated electronic band. Choony got to the scene too late and his band was covered with all kinds of unspeakable gooey nastiness. This wasn't what upset him though. What upset him was an irate parent of one of the unruly kids who had approached him to complain that she was promised a cake large enough to feed 30 kids and 12 adults, but there was only enough cake for the kids. Choony rarely lost his cool because he knew his abilities when it came to getting even. He told the woman that he would take care of it immediately as he left for the workroom. He quickly re-tooled the animatronic band and put on some high-energy techno music. He then phoned the kitchen and asked for another cake delivery to the head party table. They always had extra cake stored in the walk-in refrigerator. Then Choony sat back to watch the fun. As the kids and adults began digging into their second cake with gleeful happiness, the Chuck-E-Cheese bandstarted popping and hissing to the techno music. Too busy with their cake to take notice, the band started to violently shake and twist so that mushrooms and olives were flung back at the audience. First a scream, and then panic. The room was full of food and fury and Choony's revenge became legendary.

Choony was also responsible for Toaster's hydro setup. Initially, Toaster was going to go with 100W bulbs and a full-on plant-nursery water filtration and irrirgation system. But Choony was able to convince him that an array of red and blue LEDs with a low-water usage evaporative sponge would not only cut down on costs, but also keep his utility bill down. Toaster agreed with him and was amazed at the quality of the plants he was able to grow in only six weeks. With the improvements in the supply of light and nutrients, Toaster also found out that if varied the day and night schedule with a timer on the LEDs, he could grow more female plants which were better at producing the all important hash. Unfortunately, the whole operation came to a halt when that sack of money showed up.

The note simply stated the desires of a crazy person: 1 kilogram of product per month delivered as specified below, will reward you with what you see here. This is no joke, and I am not a cop. I need your particular strain of plants for my own experiments. If you are interested, bring the first delivery to a man named Chuck in the parking lot of the Wal-Mart on 8^th Street. Chuck is homeless and covered in filth, you can't miss him. He is also not a cop. Your cooperation will make you a rich man.

Of course this was total bullshit. That is why Toaster took his lab apart. If someone knew about it or if Choony told someone, he was busted pure and simple. Maybe not by the cops, but busted nonetheless. Some whacked out individual thought they could just waltz the fuck in his special area and drop off some cash so he would grow shit for them? Fuck that. Toaster didn't even smoke that night. He was too spooked. He went out into the cool summer evening air and went over to Terra's house. He knew she would have some good food to eat and would give him a nice place to crash. That bitch was as crazy as them come, but she could be nice when her multiple boyfriends weren't trying to out-dick each other.

When he got to Terra's place, she had just finished making a huge pot of pasta with vegetables. It was some kind of wierd-ass hippie food, but it looked and smelled good, plus she had honest-to-goodness garlic bread. He didn't know who she was cooking for until some dork came out of the hallway bathroom. He looked like a brand new narcotics officer who couldn't tell his ass from his elbow.

“Hey, how ya' doin'?” he asked Toaster as he held out his right hand in a friendly manner.

“Fuck, let's eat.” responded Toaster as he smiled and shook the dork's hand.

They seated themselves at the kitchen table as Terra served them each a heaping pile of pasta. She wasn't wearing a bra and when she hugged Toaster a third time, thanking him for stopping by, he reminded her that he didn't actually have anything on him and that it was great to see her too.

“Mmm, good dinner hon.” said El Dorko.

“No problem coochie-pie!” she giggled as Toaster rolled his eyes.

“So you guys are cool with me crashing here tonight?” asked Toaster.

“You can sleep in Casandra's room, she's out at her boyfriend's place tonight.” said Terra.

“Cool, thanks.” said Toaster.

The only problem, was that Cassandra's room was fucking purple with some kind of fluffy white fake bear rug complete with a head, four paws and a tail. At least she had a queen-sized bed with clean-smelling sheets. Toast hit the sack and let the stress ease from his mind as he fell asleep.

Across town, under a star-lit sky, Charles carefully folded three layers of newspaper around his body and rolled the corners of box for his pillow. Another night in paradise he thought. Another night without any damn food either. For Charles, every day began and ended with the constant reminder of hunger. He had a whole bag of tricks to help keep it at bay during the daytime hours, but when he lay down to go to sleep and when he awoke, the pangs were hostile. During the day, he could act crazy and watch people watch him. He could dance and shuffle aournd the sidewalk. He could mumble and rant and move his arms to and fro. He could stare down a tree or a bush until he saw flames. But at night, he had one special vision that momentarily quelled his hunger so that he could try to sleep for a few hours. He closed his eyes and imagined one perfect meal set before him. Meatloaf with mashed potatoes and gravy. Corn on the cob and green beans. He could imagine every detail, every tasty morsel. And then, to help himself go to sleep, he imagined a horse walking toward his lovely dinner and dropping shit all over it. Appetite gone, for the moment, Chuck fell asleep.